he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Randomize
