just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
Randomize
