just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
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