Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize