her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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