I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
Randomize
