I think I died a long time ago.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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