I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
