In the future we'll all be gay
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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