I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
