I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Randomize
