If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
