yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
you didnt know i had herpes?
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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