fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
