but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
