You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize