They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
Randomize
