Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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