She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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