nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
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