Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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