Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
