Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Randomize