Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
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