either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
