hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize