You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
