Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize