Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
