My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
He literally asked permission to hit on me
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
