You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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