Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
You just made me feel so damn special
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize