The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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