it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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