Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
it's not cheating when I paid for it
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
