I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
