no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
thus making me awesome and them whores
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
