Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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