There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
