you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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