You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you didnt know i had herpes?
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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