my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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