Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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