I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I will be naked everywhere
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
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