I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
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