You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
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