I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
