drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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