It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
