I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
