By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
True but thats because hes a fetus.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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