Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
