our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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