Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Dicks are not precious.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize