Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
