I just pynch a tree in the face
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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