i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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