I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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