Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
