Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
